4 Pounds

Guys, I don't know what to do. I'm already falling behind.

Steve has lost four pounds in just under a day.

I just... I just don't know how I can possibly compete with that. I feel like I'm already losing. What is his secret? HOW CAN HE LOSE WEIGHT THAT FAST? It's crushing, it's just crushing.

I feel crushed.

I work and slave and fight and battle, and all he has to do is THINK about losing weight, and he drops four pounds. At this rate, he will have lost all the weight he wants to and I'll be left far behind, having only lost the three-to-four pounds a week that fits my fitness timetable.

It's like he's got some secret hole that he can just suck pounds out of!

OH WAIT.

HE DOES!

IT'S THE HOLE IN THE END OF HIS PENIS.

Big fucking deal, you've lost four pounds of water weight. I mean, that's amazing, when you think about it, you've got a bladder that can hold four pounds of pee. It must mean all your innards have expanded to deal with the massive pancake intake you've been going through for the past six months. I'm actually amazed that you're able to hold in any pee at all, the way you sausage yourself into your thin pants, hiking that belt closed with a claw hammer.

Set up the chart, yummy-titts. Let's put some weights up there. I'll tell you right now, my starting weight is 232, which means I have to lose 55 pounds to reach my goal.

How long will that take? Well, if you could somehow continue to lose four pounds a day, it would only be a couple of weeks! I'm so sorry you haven't contracted some horrible disease that makes this possible, you'll just have to drop your initial 10, and then lose another two pounds of water weight in TEARS. Stuck forever at 12 pounds of WASTE and MUSCLE lost, left with bones and skin. LOTS of skin.

What if I lose four pounds a week? Will it take me three months to lose the weight? Maybe.

I can promise you this, if it takes me a year, I'll still be able to talk shit on this blog every day.