Of course my 4 pounds is mostly water. Even the 3 pounds I lost after that are mostly water. But Sean, that's my strategy.
According to Wikipedia, the human body is between 55% and 78% water. At my starting weight of 198.5 pounds, that's between 109 and 155 pounds of water alone. I can get down to my goal weight of 165 just by losing about a quarter of my water. That's like, negligible! I don't have to lose a single pound of fat.
So what am I doing? Basically whatever I want to, except drinking. Let's do some math:
I drink about a liter of water and delicious water products a day. And I want to lose 33.5 pounds entirely in water. Well, 33.5 pounds of water is about 15 liters. So all I have to do is stop drinking water for 15 days.
Intense? Yeah. But I don't need to win that fast. It'll make you look bad. So I'm going to cut that in half-- I'm just going to drink half a liter less every day for a month and be done with it.
Easy. So freaking easy. Have fun with your calisthenics, dude.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Thursday, July 31, 2008
4 Pounds
Guys, I don't know what to do. I'm already falling behind.
Steve has lost four pounds in just under a day.
I just... I just don't know how I can possibly compete with that. I feel like I'm already losing. What is his secret? HOW CAN HE LOSE WEIGHT THAT FAST? It's crushing, it's just crushing.
I feel crushed.
I work and slave and fight and battle, and all he has to do is THINK about losing weight, and he drops four pounds. At this rate, he will have lost all the weight he wants to and I'll be left far behind, having only lost the three-to-four pounds a week that fits my fitness timetable.
It's like he's got some secret hole that he can just suck pounds out of!
OH WAIT.
HE DOES!
IT'S THE HOLE IN THE END OF HIS PENIS.
Big fucking deal, you've lost four pounds of water weight. I mean, that's amazing, when you think about it, you've got a bladder that can hold four pounds of pee. It must mean all your innards have expanded to deal with the massive pancake intake you've been going through for the past six months. I'm actually amazed that you're able to hold in any pee at all, the way you sausage yourself into your thin pants, hiking that belt closed with a claw hammer.
Set up the chart, yummy-titts. Let's put some weights up there. I'll tell you right now, my starting weight is 232, which means I have to lose 55 pounds to reach my goal.
How long will that take? Well, if you could somehow continue to lose four pounds a day, it would only be a couple of weeks! I'm so sorry you haven't contracted some horrible disease that makes this possible, you'll just have to drop your initial 10, and then lose another two pounds of water weight in TEARS. Stuck forever at 12 pounds of WASTE and MUSCLE lost, left with bones and skin. LOTS of skin.
What if I lose four pounds a week? Will it take me three months to lose the weight? Maybe.
I can promise you this, if it takes me a year, I'll still be able to talk shit on this blog every day.
Steve has lost four pounds in just under a day.
I just... I just don't know how I can possibly compete with that. I feel like I'm already losing. What is his secret? HOW CAN HE LOSE WEIGHT THAT FAST? It's crushing, it's just crushing.
I feel crushed.
I work and slave and fight and battle, and all he has to do is THINK about losing weight, and he drops four pounds. At this rate, he will have lost all the weight he wants to and I'll be left far behind, having only lost the three-to-four pounds a week that fits my fitness timetable.
It's like he's got some secret hole that he can just suck pounds out of!
OH WAIT.
HE DOES!
IT'S THE HOLE IN THE END OF HIS PENIS.
Big fucking deal, you've lost four pounds of water weight. I mean, that's amazing, when you think about it, you've got a bladder that can hold four pounds of pee. It must mean all your innards have expanded to deal with the massive pancake intake you've been going through for the past six months. I'm actually amazed that you're able to hold in any pee at all, the way you sausage yourself into your thin pants, hiking that belt closed with a claw hammer.
Set up the chart, yummy-titts. Let's put some weights up there. I'll tell you right now, my starting weight is 232, which means I have to lose 55 pounds to reach my goal.
How long will that take? Well, if you could somehow continue to lose four pounds a day, it would only be a couple of weeks! I'm so sorry you haven't contracted some horrible disease that makes this possible, you'll just have to drop your initial 10, and then lose another two pounds of water weight in TEARS. Stuck forever at 12 pounds of WASTE and MUSCLE lost, left with bones and skin. LOTS of skin.
What if I lose four pounds a week? Will it take me three months to lose the weight? Maybe.
I can promise you this, if it takes me a year, I'll still be able to talk shit on this blog every day.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Scoreboard.
No, it's not all about the chart. At the end, we will ask the viewing public who is fatter. And the viewing public will see that I, having lost 30 pounds, look quite trim, despite any loose skin. And they will see that you, having actually GAINED 3 pounds, still look fat. Fatter, in fact.
Allow me to quote you from your first entry:
"We've started this blog because I just don't think Steve is gonna lose any weight, and I'm pretty sure I will." -- Sean, yesterday
That should be the signature of every post I write.
By the way, I have lost 4 pounds already.
Allow me to quote you from your first entry:
"We've started this blog because I just don't think Steve is gonna lose any weight, and I'm pretty sure I will." -- Sean, yesterday
That should be the signature of every post I write.
By the way, I have lost 4 pounds already.
I Feel For The Kid
Oh no. Apparently, we've had a bit of a misunderstanding.
Let me start by saying, sure. I'm all for keeping a chart, and I'll even let Jordana do the weight for me. Deb is totally not above lying for Steve, I know the woman, she's got the morals of veterinarian with a degree in theater, but sure, put in whatever weight you want.
I have no doubt that Steve weighs less than I do right now, and I have no doubt that he will reach his target goal, and he might even do it faster than I do. Sure. I can totally see that, and the chart will be an interesting trajectory.
NONE OF THAT MATTERS.
See, I proposed to Steve that we set target weights, and, when we reach them, we post a topless picture and let the readers determine who looks more fat.
OH SHIT!
OH SHIT, STEVE!
That's right, Mr. Loose-Skin. You can loose a dumptruck of weight in your usual manner of obsessive starving and light working out. You can take every short-cut known to man, but in the end, you'll take off your shirt, and when you take a picture, instead of "Ch-Chik", the camera's gonna go, "Ewwwww..."
Steve lost a lot of weight his last year in medical school. Hm. Wonder how that happened? Could it be that IT WAS HIS LAST YEAR IN MEDICAL SCHOOL? Oh yeah, and also, HE HAD A BABY!?!?! Any chance that had something to do with his stress levels? But, it doesn't matter. He lost a bunch of weight that year, and when I saw his face I thought, "Boy, Steve looks great. He looks like a bald 19 year old!"
Then he took off his shirt.
Steve is a master at losing as much lean muscle as possible in the shortest amount of time. I've always been a little husky, but I've also been SEXY AS HELL. I'm like Philip Seymour Hoffman, I'm sexy even when I'm fat. That's because I'm solid, baby, like a rock, and the ladies know that.
Steve? Oh man. He loses weight and he just goes from looking like he's wearing a tight sweater to looking like he's wearing a wet sweater. Steve has the exact same amount of fat no matter how much he weighs. This is a guy who would have a lung removed to try to win this bet, but he's totally screwed. It isn't a numbers game.
So, sure. Let's do a CHART. FINE.
I'm just saying, we're gonna have a vote, a vote that Steve won't be able to cheat on. We're gonna have a vote that very simply says, "Who looks FATTER... STEVE? or sean?" and we'll see if your chart can save you.
Let me start by saying, sure. I'm all for keeping a chart, and I'll even let Jordana do the weight for me. Deb is totally not above lying for Steve, I know the woman, she's got the morals of veterinarian with a degree in theater, but sure, put in whatever weight you want.
I have no doubt that Steve weighs less than I do right now, and I have no doubt that he will reach his target goal, and he might even do it faster than I do. Sure. I can totally see that, and the chart will be an interesting trajectory.
NONE OF THAT MATTERS.
See, I proposed to Steve that we set target weights, and, when we reach them, we post a topless picture and let the readers determine who looks more fat.
OH SHIT!
OH SHIT, STEVE!
That's right, Mr. Loose-Skin. You can loose a dumptruck of weight in your usual manner of obsessive starving and light working out. You can take every short-cut known to man, but in the end, you'll take off your shirt, and when you take a picture, instead of "Ch-Chik", the camera's gonna go, "Ewwwww..."
Steve lost a lot of weight his last year in medical school. Hm. Wonder how that happened? Could it be that IT WAS HIS LAST YEAR IN MEDICAL SCHOOL? Oh yeah, and also, HE HAD A BABY!?!?! Any chance that had something to do with his stress levels? But, it doesn't matter. He lost a bunch of weight that year, and when I saw his face I thought, "Boy, Steve looks great. He looks like a bald 19 year old!"
Then he took off his shirt.
Steve is a master at losing as much lean muscle as possible in the shortest amount of time. I've always been a little husky, but I've also been SEXY AS HELL. I'm like Philip Seymour Hoffman, I'm sexy even when I'm fat. That's because I'm solid, baby, like a rock, and the ladies know that.
Steve? Oh man. He loses weight and he just goes from looking like he's wearing a tight sweater to looking like he's wearing a wet sweater. Steve has the exact same amount of fat no matter how much he weighs. This is a guy who would have a lung removed to try to win this bet, but he's totally screwed. It isn't a numbers game.
So, sure. Let's do a CHART. FINE.
I'm just saying, we're gonna have a vote, a vote that Steve won't be able to cheat on. We're gonna have a vote that very simply says, "Who looks FATTER... STEVE? or sean?" and we'll see if your chart can save you.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Sean Is Fat. Always Has Been...
...always will be.
When I was 13, I knew I was fat. As it turns out, I wasn't. I was actually pretty skinny. In fact, I had a pretty nice body for a 13 year-old girl. Unfortunately I wasn't a girl, so those hips made me think I was fat. And it took me another 13 or so years for my body to finally catch up with my body image. A few more years after that, and I was truly magnificent. I was a total FAT GUY. It was awesome. I didn't want to be fat, but I also found it pretty hilarious.
As I slowly, ever so-slowly, gained weight throughout med school and residency, my brother kept making fun of my weight gain. I told him that if I ever hit 200 pounds I would go on a diet IMMEDIATELY and lose the weight.
So by the time I hit 230, even though I felt like a powerful, if winded, Giant, I knew I had to cut the shit out. So I dieted and exercised and lost 60 pounds. And then I ate EVERYTHING. And stopped exercising. So 25 or so have returned and now I have to make Sean feel bad about himself by losing it effortlessly.
See, I am a weight loss PROFESSIONAL. I lost 60 pounds very recently. I remember exactly how to do it. And this time, I just have to lose half that and I'll look like Little Bitch from BASEketball. God, so easy.
Don't get me wrong, Sean is far smarter than me in every area of knowledge and cognition. But he's a fat dude. It's in his blood. He's Welsh or something and his ancestors probably had to live in the Arctic. His body will burn bone, teeth, and hair before it burns fat. He'll get kidney stones trying to pee out his fibula, but he'll still have supple, if hairless, breasts.
What's really sad about this whole thing is that I'm gonna lose 30 pounds just by not eating a pint of ice cream before the first commercial break of each Big Brother golden veto episode. I'll still eat half a pizza for dinner (like I did today), and I'll exercise maybe 20 minutes a day on the elliptical machine (like I did today). THE ELLIPTICAL MACHINE. It's harder than sitting, but not by a lot.
Sean, on the other hand, is going to sweat and starve and have Martin-Sheen-Apocalypse-Now-Freakouts in his bedroom. Karate and crying. Every morning, he'll wake up, pee in the toilet, weigh himself, try to pee *just a bit more*, and then weigh himself again. Meanwhile, I'll forget to weight myself until my pants fall down at work.
At the end of it, Sean will still be fat.
When I was 13, I knew I was fat. As it turns out, I wasn't. I was actually pretty skinny. In fact, I had a pretty nice body for a 13 year-old girl. Unfortunately I wasn't a girl, so those hips made me think I was fat. And it took me another 13 or so years for my body to finally catch up with my body image. A few more years after that, and I was truly magnificent. I was a total FAT GUY. It was awesome. I didn't want to be fat, but I also found it pretty hilarious.
As I slowly, ever so-slowly, gained weight throughout med school and residency, my brother kept making fun of my weight gain. I told him that if I ever hit 200 pounds I would go on a diet IMMEDIATELY and lose the weight.
So by the time I hit 230, even though I felt like a powerful, if winded, Giant, I knew I had to cut the shit out. So I dieted and exercised and lost 60 pounds. And then I ate EVERYTHING. And stopped exercising. So 25 or so have returned and now I have to make Sean feel bad about himself by losing it effortlessly.
See, I am a weight loss PROFESSIONAL. I lost 60 pounds very recently. I remember exactly how to do it. And this time, I just have to lose half that and I'll look like Little Bitch from BASEketball. God, so easy.
Don't get me wrong, Sean is far smarter than me in every area of knowledge and cognition. But he's a fat dude. It's in his blood. He's Welsh or something and his ancestors probably had to live in the Arctic. His body will burn bone, teeth, and hair before it burns fat. He'll get kidney stones trying to pee out his fibula, but he'll still have supple, if hairless, breasts.
What's really sad about this whole thing is that I'm gonna lose 30 pounds just by not eating a pint of ice cream before the first commercial break of each Big Brother golden veto episode. I'll still eat half a pizza for dinner (like I did today), and I'll exercise maybe 20 minutes a day on the elliptical machine (like I did today). THE ELLIPTICAL MACHINE. It's harder than sitting, but not by a lot.
Sean, on the other hand, is going to sweat and starve and have Martin-Sheen-Apocalypse-Now-Freakouts in his bedroom. Karate and crying. Every morning, he'll wake up, pee in the toilet, weigh himself, try to pee *just a bit more*, and then weigh himself again. Meanwhile, I'll forget to weight myself until my pants fall down at work.
At the end of it, Sean will still be fat.
...But I will lose weight
Okay, here's the deal.
Steve is fat. Steve was skinny once, and then he got pretty fat, and that lasted for a while, and then he got... He just got so incredibly fat. It was awful.
It was just awful.
Now, I, Sean, have always been fat. There have been times when I was fat and handsome, and other times when I was fat a jolly, and still other times when I was barrel-chested and awesome, but all of those times, I've been a little bit fat. I have.
The difference is, mine is all genetic. Steve's is sloth.
See, Steve got skinny about a year ago. He did it by obsessively not eating and worrying about shit. It went great, he got really skinny. But then, he got happy.
He's got a cool wife, a nice kid, a good little job. In short, he got fat. He got "love gut". He let himself go. He eats like a goddam pig, snorfling down anything and everything he can get his hands on. And not only does he do no exercise, he lies about exercising.
You should meet his wife. Dark hair, dark eyes, big rack. Awesome, really, a beautiful woman. You'd think he would worry about the fact that he's a total mess. He's all, "I'm a Jewish Doctor, my wife loves me!" and yeah, he's right. But what he's forgetting is that women want to MARRY Jewish Doctors, they want to have sex with SKINNY PEOPLE.
And he is not skinny.
Oh no.
So.
We've started this blog because I just don't think Steve is gonna lose any weight, and I'm pretty sure I will. And when I get down to my target weight of 187, I will post a picture of me in my underwear. And when I do, you will like it. I'm 40 pounds away from that right now, but when I get there, we are going to ask you, the viewing public, who looks fatter.
I'm not worried.
It will be Steve.
Steve is fat. Steve was skinny once, and then he got pretty fat, and that lasted for a while, and then he got... He just got so incredibly fat. It was awful.
It was just awful.
Now, I, Sean, have always been fat. There have been times when I was fat and handsome, and other times when I was fat a jolly, and still other times when I was barrel-chested and awesome, but all of those times, I've been a little bit fat. I have.
The difference is, mine is all genetic. Steve's is sloth.
See, Steve got skinny about a year ago. He did it by obsessively not eating and worrying about shit. It went great, he got really skinny. But then, he got happy.
He's got a cool wife, a nice kid, a good little job. In short, he got fat. He got "love gut". He let himself go. He eats like a goddam pig, snorfling down anything and everything he can get his hands on. And not only does he do no exercise, he lies about exercising.
You should meet his wife. Dark hair, dark eyes, big rack. Awesome, really, a beautiful woman. You'd think he would worry about the fact that he's a total mess. He's all, "I'm a Jewish Doctor, my wife loves me!" and yeah, he's right. But what he's forgetting is that women want to MARRY Jewish Doctors, they want to have sex with SKINNY PEOPLE.
And he is not skinny.
Oh no.
So.
We've started this blog because I just don't think Steve is gonna lose any weight, and I'm pretty sure I will. And when I get down to my target weight of 187, I will post a picture of me in my underwear. And when I do, you will like it. I'm 40 pounds away from that right now, but when I get there, we are going to ask you, the viewing public, who looks fatter.
I'm not worried.
It will be Steve.
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